One Year Ago Today.....

Today is a big day for two reasons. Reason #1: It was on this day one year ago that we had to take Josh to CHEO and ultimately when we first learned about his heart defect. Which brings me to reason #2: It's the one year anniversary of when I officially became a heart mom.

I knew that this was going to be a tough week as I can't help but remember and reflect about the days events one year ago. But I am surprised at how emotional an experience this anniversary has been and I don't quite know how to explain it. Josh is doing so well now with a bright future ahead of him - a far cry from the uncertainty that surrounded him one year ago - and I am so proud of him. So why do I feel so sad? Am I channeling the emotions I experienced when I first learned of his health problems? Is this a part of my own growth as heart mom? I'm curious if this is something other heart moms experienced on their first anniversary.

I really cannot believe that it has already been one year. Josh has come through so much in that time and I can't get over his strength. He has taught me so much. He's barely a year old and he's taught me more about love, more about life, more about faith and hope than I've learned in the 28 years before his arrival. I feel so lucky to have him as a son.

I would like to share with you a poem that I have come across that has been beautifully written by a fellow heart mom named Stephanie Husted and is suitably titled The Day I Became A Heart Mother.

The Day I Became A Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,
I'll never be the same.
They told me that my baby was sick.
I thought, "Am I to blame"?

I don't think I can handle this.
I am really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.

I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my son any chance.
No matter what the price.

I will learn all that I need
To help my baby thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!

Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
As I accept our fate.

When the monitors beep at night,
it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.

As another Angel earns his wings,
I run to my baby's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.

I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....
no matter how I try.

And yet, I trust you hold his life,
and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,
but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!

From pacing the surgical waiting room,
to sitting by his bed.
From wishing for a good nights sleep,
to learning every med.

From wondering, "Will he be alright?",
to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts,
despite life's harsh demands.

For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.

That scar I trace with my finger
(It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him
(Just as He loved him from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.

Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".

~Stephanie Husted
Mommy to Braeden HLHS post Fontan
Carepage name: babyhusted